Turn your blog into a romatic comedy

Found via Andrew Ducker: Turn your website into a screenplay. Results for this blog (before I posted this message) below:

HAND ON MY HEART

a romantic comedy screenplay by

www.astonishingtales.com

and

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

FADE IN.

INT. TRENDY CAFE

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is lovelorn and sad. She is complaining to her best friend ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) about the lovelorn and sad state of her life.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Oh, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), do you think that I will ever find my true love? I am so lovelorn and sad. Surely, you, as my best friend, have some wisdom to offer

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

One of those words that is inherently comedic.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES laughs

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Hahahahahaha. How delightfully witty you are, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

Suddenly, GEORGE CLOONEY wanders into the cafe. He accidentally spills a drink on CATHERINE ZETA-JONES.

GEORGE CLOONEY

I'm so sorry.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

You clumsy jerk, GEORGE CLOONEY! Why don't you look where you're going?

GEORGE CLOONEY apologises again and leaves

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

(staring after him)

What a creep.

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

See also Potato, and, of course, everything Weebl has ever done.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Boy you said it, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS). (sighs) I certainly hope I never see him again.

CUT TO.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE

ONE WEEK LATER

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES and ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) are shopping for new crockery. A message comes over the loudspeakers.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

What did that just say?

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

The interesting thing, to me, is the type of WMD that are claimed here.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Really? This large department store's management decisions are questionable at best.

She looks up to see GEORGE CLOONEY standing there. He is the manager of the department store.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Hello, CATHERINE ZETA-JONES. Perhaps you could offer me advice on how to run my store.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

I don't think so, GEORGE CLOONEY. I took an instant dislike to you when we first met.

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

Via a snarky comment on the Edwards blog, ironically.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Yes, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), good point. So you see, GEORGE CLOONEY, we can never fall in love.

GEORGE CLOONEY grins rogueishly.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

(swooning)

Oh, GEORGE CLOONEY. I've changed my mind. I do love you.

FADE TO.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOUR.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES and ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) are receiving massages and talking.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

GEORGE CLOONEY and I stayed up all night last night just talking. It turns out that we're both enormous fans of Jon Bon Jovi. I feel like I'm in that beautiful Shakespearean love sonnet. You know the one, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

Joins hallowed ranks of other Bush lies, deceptions and omissions.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

No, not that one. The other one. Oh, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), GEORGE CLOONEY makes my heart swoon so.

The masseurs start pounding their backs.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Oh. That feels good. (pauses) Gee, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), I have never felt this way about a man before. Do you have any advice for me?

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

The whole thing is looking increasingly dodgy.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

I hope you're right, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) I'll keep that in mind.

CUT TO.

INT. A CHINESE RESTAURANT

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is furiously ranting. ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) is listening intently.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

I am so mad at GEORGE CLOONEY. I can't believe he stole all my money and got me kicked out of my apartment and locked in an insane asylum. I thought he loved me.

GEORGE CLOONEY shows up at the table. CATHERINE ZETA-JONES turns away from him. ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) gets up from the table to talk to him.

GEORGE CLOONEY

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), this is all a ghastly misunderstanding. I know CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is too mad to talk to me but maybe you can tell me what she's thinking.

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

The man is a despicable coward, and he deserves to go.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Well, if that's how she feels, I have no choice but to go away forever.

GEORGE CLOONEY leaves

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

I have a broken heart now. Maybe a fortune cookie will have some advice for me. Please read me a message.

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) cracks open a fortune cookie.

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

(reading)

Stuff I can't be bothered blogging at length, but that you should know anyway.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Hmmmm... that's something to think about.

CUT TO.

EXT. THE DOCKS

THE NEXT DAY

GEORGE CLOONEY is preparing to leave forever. He is boarding a ship. Suddenly, CATHERINE ZETA-JONES and ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) come running up.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

GEORGE CLOONEY! Don't go away forever. I understand now that we only broke up because of a ghastly misunderstanding. I love you.

GEORGE CLOONEY and CATHERINE ZETA-JONES kiss.

FADE TO.

INT. GEORGE CLOONEY AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES'S WEDDING

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) is making a wedding toast.

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

I'm not certain that he could be President, but he's too smart to waste.

WEDDING GUESTS

Hear, hear.

ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)

And Atrios reminds us that we should read this Guardian article about Guantanamo bay.