HAND ON MY HEART
a romantic comedy screenplay by
INT. TRENDY CAFE
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is lovelorn and sad. She is complaining to her best friend ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) about the lovelorn and sad state of her life.
Oh, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), do you think that I will ever find my true love? I am so lovelorn and sad. Surely, you, as my best friend, have some wisdom to offer
One of those words that is inherently comedic.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES laughs
Hahahahahaha. How delightfully witty you are, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)
Suddenly, GEORGE CLOONEY wanders into the cafe. He accidentally spills a drink on CATHERINE ZETA-JONES.
I'm so sorry.
You clumsy jerk, GEORGE CLOONEY! Why don't you look where you're going?
GEORGE CLOONEY apologises again and leaves
(staring after him)
What a creep.
See also Potato, and, of course, everything Weebl has ever done.
Boy you said it, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS). (sighs) I certainly hope I never see him again.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
ONE WEEK LATER
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES and ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) are shopping for new crockery. A message comes over the loudspeakers.
What did that just say?
The interesting thing, to me, is the type of WMD that are claimed here.
Really? This large department store's management decisions are questionable at best.
She looks up to see GEORGE CLOONEY standing there. He is the manager of the department store.
Hello, CATHERINE ZETA-JONES. Perhaps you could offer me advice on how to run my store.
I don't think so, GEORGE CLOONEY. I took an instant dislike to you when we first met.
Via a snarky comment on the Edwards blog, ironically.
Yes, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), good point. So you see, GEORGE CLOONEY, we can never fall in love.
GEORGE CLOONEY grins rogueishly.
Oh, GEORGE CLOONEY. I've changed my mind. I do love you.
INT. MASSAGE PARLOUR.
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES and ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) are receiving massages and talking.
GEORGE CLOONEY and I stayed up all night last night just talking. It turns out that we're both enormous fans of Jon Bon Jovi. I feel like I'm in that beautiful Shakespearean love sonnet. You know the one, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS)
Joins hallowed ranks of other Bush lies, deceptions and omissions.
No, not that one. The other one. Oh, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), GEORGE CLOONEY makes my heart swoon so.
The masseurs start pounding their backs.
Oh. That feels good. (pauses) Gee, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), I have never felt this way about a man before. Do you have any advice for me?
The whole thing is looking increasingly dodgy.
I hope you're right, ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) I'll keep that in mind.
INT. A CHINESE RESTAURANT
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is furiously ranting. ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) is listening intently.
I am so mad at GEORGE CLOONEY. I can't believe he stole all my money and got me kicked out of my apartment and locked in an insane asylum. I thought he loved me.
GEORGE CLOONEY shows up at the table. CATHERINE ZETA-JONES turns away from him. ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) gets up from the table to talk to him.
ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS), this is all a ghastly misunderstanding. I know CATHERINE ZETA-JONES is too mad to talk to me but maybe you can tell me what she's thinking.
The man is a despicable coward, and he deserves to go.
Well, if that's how she feels, I have no choice but to go away forever.
GEORGE CLOONEY leaves
I have a broken heart now. Maybe a fortune cookie will have some advice for me. Please read me a message.
ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) cracks open a fortune cookie.
Stuff I can't be bothered blogging at length, but that you should know anyway.
Hmmmm... that's something to think about.
EXT. THE DOCKS
THE NEXT DAY
GEORGE CLOONEY is preparing to leave forever. He is boarding a ship. Suddenly, CATHERINE ZETA-JONES and ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) come running up.
GEORGE CLOONEY! Don't go away forever. I understand now that we only broke up because of a ghastly misunderstanding. I love you.
GEORGE CLOONEY and CATHERINE ZETA-JONES kiss.
INT. GEORGE CLOONEY AND CATHERINE ZETA-JONES'S WEDDING
ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS) is making a wedding toast.
I'm not certain that he could be President, but he's too smart to waste.
And Atrios reminds us that we should read this Guardian article about Guantanamo bay.
GEORGE CLOONEY and CATHERINE ZETA-JONES
Hahahahahaha!!!! Oh ILLUMINATED.CO.UK (BLAH ON STEROIDS). You are one of a kind.